Mental Models - The Third Story 🎶
This is a simple idea that all experts in negotiation have in their toolkit. If you ever have to negotiate, or resolve conflict in your life at work or home, read on.
What is The Third Story?
The Third Story isn’t my side of the story. And it isn’t your side of the story.
The Third Story is one an impartial observer would tell; it’s a third version of events both sides can agree on.
Why is this interesting?
We have our perceptions, and we all too often equate them with reality. The truth is that everyone has their own subjective perceptions - which don’t align perfectly to objective reality - however much they feel like they do. It’s powerful to simply acknowledge that a third version - The Third Story - exists!
Furthermore our brains/ego has a self preservation mechanism that makes us believe we are in the right more often that we really are. Acknowledging there are three versions, and cultivating some curiosity about The Third Story is a good way of reframing the conflict to focus on shared goals and interests, rather than individual positions.
It reminds me a bit of what philosopher John Stuart Mill said in On Liberty:
He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them. But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion... Nor is it enough that he should hear the opinions of adversaries from his own teachers, presented as they state them, and accompanied by what they offer as refutations. He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them...he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.
The bottom line? Explore the Second Story (their side) if you can, and see if you might catch a glimpse of the Third Story too.
Want to go deeper?
😝 Do you like it a bit more pithy?
There are three sides to every story – yours, mine & the truth.
🤔 I read this about interpreting toddler behavior more positively. (I think I’ve also heard versions from any therapist/counsellor too.) Ask yourself:
“What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”
📖 Do you read any fiction? I’ve been trying to read a bit more fiction this year, I really enjoyed the beautiful prose of The Goldfinch and Beach Music. Send me your recommendations for charming storytelling!
💎 I think a lot about perception vs reality. I love this quote from Ruth Benedict:
The eye that sees is not a mere physical organ but a means of perception conditioned by the tradition in which its possessor has been reared.
Revisit related mental models
🧠 Build your latticework
The Narrative Fallacy 📰 - so key to everything in life, worth revisiting
Fundamental Attribution Error 🤷 - this drives the need for The Third Story
Expectations vs Agreements 🤝 - very concrete and practical
The Law of the Instrument 💇🏼 - another idea well worth your time